Mon. Dec 05, 2005 | Somaaljecel

By: Mohamed Mukhtar

Somalia was discharged from Mbagathi Hospital after Somalis formed a government under the auspices of IGAD in 2004. As an outpatient, Somalia was prescribed a self-administered drug to recreate a new nation through the envisioned inclusive Somali government. After more than a year, Somalia has not made much improvement and gone back to IGAD’s Follow-Up office, which serves a resource for the patient to discuss the result.

Doctor:            Hello. How are you feeling?

Patient:           Really bad. Did you put something in the prescription that set me in a fighting mood? 

Doctor:            No need for that. I put that in your constitution. Your annual check up is long overdue, why are you so late?

Patient:           I got stuck. My legs became like table legs and I could not bring them together. One in Jowhar and one in Mogadishu.

Doctor:            But that is how they suppose to work. One leg is from the Arta group and the other is from the SRRC group and they should not work together. So how are you feeling now?

Patient:           I think I am suffering from multiple personality disorder. One part of me wants to talk to you about the problem and the other part doesn’t want to.

Doctor:            It is said, “The patient-doctor relationship is a privileged one, and you have a sacred duty to protect him from exposure.” Therefore, don’t tell the other part that you are under my direct care. So what is the problem?

Patient:           The problem had started even before we left here. As you had advised one part requested 20,000 troops to contain and eliminate the insecurity virus but the other part refused to swallow any. When it comes to the deployment of peace troops one part says no foreign intervention but wants foreigners to facilitate any negotiation. And the other part, when it comes to peace negotiation, does not want any foreign involvement but welcomes the deployment foreign troops. I don’t understand this. Do they hate all foreigners or they hate some?

Doctor:            Somali parliament members completed more than two years of plodding negotiations in Kenya, no wonder they are still sedated when it comes to the interest of their society. Confusion and selfishness are common symptoms if your chief medical adviser is Kipligat. Any other development?

Patient:           We had a brawl in the parliament. Somali parliament members were forced to take unpaid leave through fault of their own. Much effort has been spent on international relations and chasing foreign aid, while domestic issues that matter the most such as reconciliation, disarmament, reconstruction and confidence building among warring factions and groups have not been dealt with. Roadblocks in Mogadishu area have increased exponentially.

Doctor:            What else?

Patient:           The part in Mogadishu is walking like an angry ox and having never-ending meetings. The part in Jowhar is acting like a runaway train full of brokers cashing everything. One wants no government the other wants non-governmental organisations acting like government institutions. Travelling abroad is the only thing that both parts love the most. I forgot to mention some had suggested that I should go to Kismayo for medical attention.

Doctor:            That is absurd. That is not acceptable. I am your only doctor.

Patient:           There are no 680 or Stanley or Hilton hotel in Kismayo. They want me to stay 0 star hotels.

Doctor:            You are right. Here is where best possible doctors are available. Do you have anything else to share with me?

Patient:           We continue to marginalize the intellectuals from the collective and constructive participation in the political, economic and social agenda of the nation. We still believe Mbagathi Conference was true and complete reconciliation and no need the nation as a whole to participate in the healing process.

Doctor:           The sixth Code of Ethical Behaviour for Patients says, “Submit to novel experimental treatment readily.” I am glad to say that the result is encouraging and how IGAD is treating you will surely be of widespread interest. You seem to be disappointed with the result but I beg to differ. Now the Transitional President is likely to become a lifetime president like other presidents in East Africa since there will be no election in 2009 as planned. Ethiopia, Djibouti and Uganda have lifetime democratically elected presidents. The government of Ethiopia shoots people who dare to oppose and Uganda regime puts opposition leaders in prison. But nothing happens to those who oppose the TFG government and that means you have tolerance attitude.

Patient:           Look here, doctor! You've already removed my patriotic, nationalistic and brotherhood elements from my body. I only came to see if you could help me to stand on my two feet as a nation. When will I be able to do that?

Doctor:            I am working on it. The Joint Need Assessment has just been created and it is too early to tell what you need.

Patient:           But I have been your patient since 2002 and you don’t know what I need.

Doctor:            Give me that document I had given you. I want to promote and publicise this self-administered drug. Please sign this form so the international community can pay my expenses.

Patient:           How much! $1.5million! This is too much for a few minutes work.

Doctor:             You just said that you have been my patient for almost 3 years now and I haven’t done any diagnosis yet. If $1.5million is too much for a few minutes work I can work even slower if you like.

Patient:           No! No! Claim whatever you want. Please just let me get out here.

Doctor:            Take these new medications. On your way out, see the receptionist and make another appointment.

Patient:           Another appointment! Doctor, I forgot to ask you the X-ray result. What does the X-ray of my head show? 

Doctor:            Completely nothing.

Patient:           Even brain!

Mohamed Mukhtar

London

Email:   mohamed323@hotmail.com